BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE - One for St Patrick's Day

As St. Paddy's Day approaches, the information below is vital:

SYMPTOM / CAUSE / CORRECTIVE ACTION
Feet cold and wet /Glass Being held at incorrect angle. / Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling

Feet warm and wet / Improper Bladder Control / Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training

Beer unusually pale and tasteless / a. Glass empty. b. You're holding a Coors Lite / Get someone to buy you another beer

Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights / You have fallen over backward. / Have yourself leashed to bar

Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes / You have fallen forward / See above

Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet / a. Mouth not open b. Glass applied to wrong part of face / Retire to restroom, practice in mirror

Floor Blurred / You are looking through bottom of empty glass / Get someone to buy you another beer

Floor moving / You are being carried out / Find out if you are being taken to another bar

Room seems unusually dark / Bar has closed / Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run

Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures / Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations / Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside

Everyone looks up to you and smiles / You are dancing on the table / Fall on someone cushy-looking

People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup / You're in the ladies' room / Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional)

Your singing sounds distorted / The beer is too weak / Have more beer until your voice improves

Don't remember the words to the song / Beer is just right / Play air guitar